If I had my way, you'd be gone already. Simply put.

I've realized that after a shitty relationship, whether it be with a friend or a significant other, you tend to realize the importance of the other relationships around you, and how much more they mean to you. Its important to remember that things will be okay, no matter what. If that wasnt the case, Im sure I'd be dead somewhere by now. I've realized within myself that everything doesnt have to be set in stone. Although it is good to know your options, sometimes going with whatever comes your way is good. But going with every flow, isnt good. In a sense it gives me peace, and a calming feeling. Its just one less thing I have to feel the need to control in my life. Im reminding myself daily that becoming overwhelmed is not okay and is not healthy. I am my own therapist. Its cheaper that way. :)

After countless arguments and lots of tears, I've realized that Lori really IS the only one I will truly ever love in my life. No matter how many times we argue, and no matter how many times we contemplate whether we should stay or break, in the end, I cannot see my life and my future without her in it. I love her, no matter what. Its unconditional. Being without each other is not an option for us. I think we both realized that. We've grown up a little in our relationship, and I kinda like it. :)

Disappointment.

After a loooong lecture from someone, I've come to the realization that in the past 8 or 9 years, I've never really accomplished anything in my life. I've always started something with every intent of finishing... but somewhere down the line something happens and I dont finish it. Whether it be certain goals I've set for myself, relationships with others, etc. Just regular day-to-day life kinda stuff... I think about it, and I get NOTHING. This is not to say that people like Lori who are a BIG part of my life now, and the friends I've had along with the new special friends I've made recently are not anything significant... BUT, I just feel like I havent done anything productive. Maybe Im just feeling sorry for myself because I was such a loser last semester and didnt class the one class I needed to finally escape from Leeward. Maybe I should set higher goals and standards and not be such a pussy at committing to things. Not only have a let a few close ones down, but more importantly, I think I let myself down... and I think thats what sucks the most. I mean, Im pretty content with just ME, but as far as everything around me goes and what I feel I've pathetically accomplished for the past 9 years... I feel nothing. I have nothing to show for the past 9 years and the choices I've made since then. How could I allow myself to end up like this? What the hell was I thinking?!?! Elliena needs to go under some serious construction. I guess there's no better time to start than now. Okay...